TRANSFORM OR DIE (How to have a party while my insides are exploding in space)
This is the story of figuring out how I could change my life for the better, to transform and heal myself with self-love. This meant, after many years of blocking my pathway to the light, I had to leave the old me, letting go of destructive behavior, look into my own darkness and to transform myself in the light. Committing metaphysical suicide.
When I was finally mature enough to cope with the task to transform, I had to face the big boss in my own life’s video-game: Breaking up with my old family.
This process started when I hit my head on the door, giving myself a concussion, and I had to sit in the dark for about a year. I was then forced to wake myself up to complete my life’s mission, of transforming myself, to know myself completely, and to become the sun in my own life. I had to walk out of my own emotional dark, into the new me with spiritual transformative actions.
How to metaphysically commit suicide and change myself completely.
I crashed mentally three times in my life before I was forced to wake myself up to this great task. The metaphysical causation of a concussion: Don’t be the moon be the sun, don’t be dependent on others love to shine, just shine. TRANSFORM OR DIE!
Washington D.C. 1994
The most groundbreaking moment in my life came at the age of seventeen when I read the words of the Indian philosopher Jiddu Krishnamurti: «You must break up with your family to become yourself». I knew from that moment on what my true mission in life was: To begin my journey to become a free individual, free from the expectations of my family and society, and to dive into the artistic life to work out my emotions with creativity, music, art, poetry, and later on, spirituality.
Now twenty years on, sitting in the darkness of my own pain, I had come to a crossroads in my own life. It was becoming clear to me what was holding me back. I then knew what I had to do: I had to leave my family, but I needed help in completing this task.
Deciding to use the Bible as a tool for help, looking for guidance, hoping for a sign, I intuitively open the book to the pages of when Jesus rejects his own family, the part when they tried to stop him from following his own path. This process, I repeated four times, and every time I open randomly up to the same page.
I am now faced with the clearest of signs, and I decide to make the hardest telephone call in my life. I had enough courage to break up with my family. Sending me on an emotional rollercoaster ride that changed my life forever.
That same night, I dreamt of the Archangel Michael, standing over me, on the steps of what appears to be a judiciary building. He suddenly takes out a circular saw, cutting through my body and my chakras, telling me: «This is how much you have suffered!». And I feel all the pain I have suffered in my whole life. Excruciatingly horrifying pain all at once! This is firm proof that I have made the right decision in leaving my family.
Now standing alone, I am faced with the volcano of my own emotions and many dark truths of how the world really is, coming at me with full force… And dealing with all the demons and dark emotions hiding underneath that cellar door, I am forced to take a spiritual stand quickly. All alone in the darkness of my own space, I am forced to light up my spark within, lifting up my spirit, and find my own will to live, starting the real process of healing myself with art, spirituality, and self-love.
There are many mistakes to be made on this journey of becoming myself. But with hard inner work, all day and all night, keeping my eyes fixed on the goal, I finally start tasting the fruits of the sweet life. This goes on for about four years, walking out of ‘the old me’ and becoming ‘the new me’. Watching my insides exploding in space. Always learning by doing, fighting an inner cosmic war with love, love, and more love. Constantly chased by the dark side who had apparently lost one of their disciples.
At the same time, I learn how to have a party, by enjoying all this, like a game, enjoying life while all this is happening in me. This being the only way to actually do it. Practicing meditation, reading the words of God and taking care of myself.
Later on, I a dreamt that I sent my parents up-stream sitting in a canoe, driven by native Americans, symbolizing their own process, caused by my actions of rejecting them and us meeting up in-the-near-future. Which in the end we did when my mother grew ill, and I was forced to make a hundred-and-eighty-degree turn-around, and face them with love and respect.
And I practice forgiveness towards myself and them, through every step of the way. For this is the only way to achieve true inner liberation. They are a part of me, and my life, and without them, there is no inner personal growth. We’re all flowers in our own universe. It’s all really all about me, taking the responsibility to transform in the light, and to grow, which I finally did. The only work that really exists: the light work.
And I must clarify that I love my family. They are unique human beings who also have their pathways to follow in life. It hasn’t been easy for them to understand the journey I had to make, a journey they also were forced to take with me. I forgive them and myself for whatever wrongdoings that have passed between us, both consciously and unconsciously from both parts, in this life and in our past lives knowing we couldn’t have done anything in any another way. It’s all in me and it’s all up to me to shine a light. Everything’s a mirror. I have a good relationship with my old family now.
The River of Suicide